Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Why I should never be left alone.

My family have left for a small vacation and left me on my own for the first time. Which was fine, although I'm not an independent person.

Aside from all that, I take a wide range or medications for a number of different reasons and today I managed to overdose by four times the amount I'm supposed to take - Purely accidental. I'm incredibly nervous about my doctors appointment incase they find I've caused my body too much damage. The side affects of the medication are also causing my heart to hammer in my chest, and I'm unbelievable edgy & shaky. 

I can get through this if I just try to control myself and ignore the voice in my head telling me I might die. 

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Gap year grumbles

 Seriously, do any of you have any idea JUST how much it costs to volunteer abroad with charity work? I know it isn't cheap to travel as it is, but checking out my gap year options is incredible, it feels like I'll be worrying about my pension by the time I gain enough money to volunteer. 

Anyway, I just opened an ISA in the hopes that will kinda help. I really need to get away from here for a while and experience some freedom and enlightenment, but it's going to be about next August before I'll be able to afford anything. So on with studies and work for now.

If I can't volunteer I'm going to just look into cheap travel to countries and maybe go from there. I'd really like to start out with Thailand, and go from there. Has anybody done volunteer work before, or would love to go somewhere they haven't been yet?

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Beating about the bush... or not?

I've been reading a lot of discussions lately, and being the natural opinionated and curious person that I am - it all got me thinking. Whenever I'm having a debate or  'difficulty of agreement' with another person over anything at all, I always find myself siding with people who aren't or can't defend themselves.

For example...drug addicts, most of them feel trapped and therefore they turn into addicts simply striving to find something to fill a void. Now I sympathize with them, but many people don't and take a hard straight forward approach. I think victimizing or putting a stigma on people who feel trapped isn't going to get us ANYWHERE.

So, here is my question: Do you think compassion and understanding are the way to improving everyday complications... or direct and forward approaches?

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Babies & Betrayals

You know those dreams that are just so so personal, they can be fantastic and you just want to go straight back into them once you've woken..or they're simply haunting? Boy did I have one of those dreams lat night.

All I can remember is my family crowding around me making a fuss, and I was holding a tiny baby. I was aware of somebody I loved dearly by my side and I felt like I'd never been happier in my life. The baby was small girl and as I gave the baby to a member of my family I saw myself in her, recognized a part of me and suddenly I hated that baby. That little innocent baby was just like me and I did not like her. But everybody else seemed to love her and I picked her back up, and really looked at her and she smiled. And my anxiety about her being me seemed to fade and I felt a motherly bond, a need to protect this small girl. And she smiled at me, and laughed as a baby does. It was truly beautiful...

Then, the babies father (the man who had been at my side) cheated on me. Now I know you can pick up emotions in dreams but NEVER have I felt such a hopeless and sad feeling as I did in that dream. I was truly heart broken and felt so betrayed that it just consumed me. That is all I really remember about the dream and I can totally relate to how it fits into my subconscious. I can only hope that such an intense dream signifies I'm moving forward with my life..

Monday, 4 August 2008

Online relations?

I know there is a huge stigma regarding online relationships, and I'd be the first to admit I'm amongst the population who regard online relationships as fads. That is of course, after seeing my share of friends talk to somebody for a whole day via msn or a chat room and get engaged then cry when they meet and it doesn't work out. It leaves my feeling about the whole thing somewhat skeptic.

Sooo, this is where my dilemma arises. I have been talking with somebody on Msn for about 7 years now. I adore talking to him and he has been a huge support (especially in the earlier years of my life), and I think about him ALOT. I've never met him because I've no confidence and to add somebody I hold in such high regard to the list of 'Those who rejected me' would really knock me. But lately I have been feeling miserable with confusion because I want to meet him so much, but that slight fear of rejection or awkwardness makes it seem less worthwhile.

I could meet him and we could be amazing friends, or maybe more. Or I could meet him, both of us feel akward and having nothing to say. Or thirdly; He thinks I belong in a nuthouse and hates my guts. I have told him all of this, because he is coming to the Uk in December and is expecting to meet me then. He says he is just as scared, but I really don't know what to do :( A valid point is I might have nothing to lose, but in this case I'll lose my dignity and a very supportive online friend.